sometimes i wish i could grab you by the shoulders
and give you several firm shakes
while loudly exclaiming
"don't you understand!"

other times i'm content
just to sit next to you
give you my attention
sip my tea
and smile.

i know this holding pattern won't last forever.

i had so much time
to think about how i want to be.
strong at all the right moments
more willing to give myself
try to understand that i need to talk about my needs.
and damn that's hard for me.

i've been trying to be who i want to be
cause i know i need to improve myself.
and not just for your sake
i mean, we all need to continue to strive to be better people.

last night i cooked dinner for m.c. at midnight.
japanese eggplant, broccoli, onions, scallions, shitake mushrooms, and red peppers
in a sesame garlic sauce, with jasmine rice
garnished with diced scallions and sesame seeds.

i love to cook.

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